Love

Converting to a Farm-Gal

farmSORRY FOR REPOST; LONG DAY

I’ve been seeing this commercial for farmersonly.com, which suggests to men that they “don’t have to be lonely with farmersonly.com.” Since I’m a card-carrying member of Match.com, OKCupid, eharmony and seriously considering BlackPeopleMeet.com, I’ve been giving some thought to converting to a farm girl. Below is my pro/con list:

Con’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. I DON’T EAT MEAT. This would mean my farmer would have to grow vegetables.
  2. I can’t wear plaid.
  3. Despite picking up dog poo for most of my life, certain smells cause me to dry heave for hours at a time. This could be considered rude or psychotic.
  4. At least in movies farmers look like they are very close to their families. Conversely, I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean many miles from my family and have one sibling I don’t talk to.
  5. I have a strict policy of not waking up before the sun does.
  6. I can bet my life that my liberal views on politics would make my farmer want to put me out to pasture.
  7. I often get physically injured when faced with fencing and materials that need to be hammered or sanded down.
  8. The couple above isn’t wearing any shoes. Despite living in a state where the most common shoe is a flip-flop, I don’t like to walk on grassy areas without shoes and socks. Maybe its an occupational hazard that comes from being a pet sitter. I just know too much to walk on grass barefoot anymore. Friends don’t let friends get Leptospirosis.
  9. Can’t help but notice the yellow labrador pictured above is clearly disinterested in this couple. If two models dressed like farmers can’t get one of the worlds most friendliest creatures to even feign a smile, than I certainly wouldn’t get along with real thing.
  10. The gentleman pictured, while clearly good looking, appears slightly metro-sexual. I would be quite surprised if he even knew how to turn on a blender let alone large farm equipment.
  11. I watched a show last year, which reenacts amazing rescues. There was a gentleman who fell into a silo filled with corn and he sunk like a stone. Apparently vegetables can kill.

Pro’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. Farm men probably have nice arms.
  2. I’m a fan of men in Levi’s.

Well…there we have it. As desperate as I am to find my spoon, I think I can find a Levi-wearing, good-armed vegetarian who doesn’t live on a farm…I hope.

Culture, Love

Dating a Centaur?

I’m sorry, but if I’m considering a relationship with a horse, then more people need to read about it, hence the repost!

centI believe my working with dogs has set the bar higher for me in terms of what I want in a man. I’m looking for a guy who shares the most favorable traits of a dog. Notice I said favorable, this is to rule out licking of the genitals, and rolling or eating of poop.

Perhaps what I need is a Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. There are many positives that can be gained from a relationship forged with a Centaur.

I would be able to converse with my Centaur because he’s half-man on top. He could also stay up on current events, which we could then discuss afterward. If he’s a Trump supporter, he will be shown where the barn door is.

I’m not exactly sure what’s safest for my Centaur’s tummy, but I know that I’m sure as hell not eating hay, even laced with chocolate. Going out to eat might cause a challenge because his horse ass wouldn’t fit in a chair. However, my human ass is headed in that same direction so we could commiserate.cent1

Because he would have horse feet, I would have to learn to be a farrier. While he wouldn’t be able to farry (?) his own feet, he could still massage mine. I’m also assuming his feet wouldn’t smell, because his feet are really more cuticle than flesh.

I guess we would have to be careful not to exercise too close to eating because of the possibility of his getting bloat. This really wouldn’t present a problem for me as my horse ass doesn’t like exercise.

I can’t get away without mentioning the possible size of his bowel movements. I know what you were thinking, but wait for it. I’m 47 and can’t even admit to p**ping so thinking of the ramifications involved with my beloveds crap is terrifying. The cool thing here is that because he has arms he could let himself out and even pick up his poo. This works out well, because I have shame issues and don’t look forward to sharing a bathroom. Pretty funny to think about my shame compared to an animals whose poop could be the size of a small child.

Certainly if I can’t talk about human bodily functions, sex is off the table, but how can one not address that I could have a husband who isn’t hung like a horse, he’s a hung horse. My body can hardly accommodate the smallest speculum at my gynecologist office or a tampon slimmer than my pinky. I experience zero relief when I remember that an infant comes out of there since an infant has never come out of mine.

While I don’t anticipate meeting a Centaur on Oahu because we have limited parking, please let me know if you could think of any additional pro’s or con’s for this particular type of dating.

Naaayyyyy!!

Culture, Depression

Deja Poo

pugHad a terrifying thought the other day while performing my duties as a dog walker. With the exception of the times when I’ve saved my clients pets or home from danger, the majority of my time is spent with one or two dogs in tow.

I LOVE these dogs otherwise they wouldn’t be clients. Of course they all crap on our walks, some even do it more than once. There are even those who have 24-hour access to outside, but prefer to crap in my presence.

My realization was that my job has become symbolic of my life. Considering I live on a rock surrounded by water, my walks are basically in a circle. My life has also become a never-ending treasure trove of shit. Crap I  have to deal with alone, crap I don’t know how to deal with and don’t have anyone to ask, crap I have no control of and then the daily crap, which consists of money problems, cash flow issues and being broke.

So basically, my job and my life is about walking around in circles picking up crap. Yes, everyone has crap to deal with, but it seems slightly overwhelming to be both dealing with it figuratively and literally. Below are some of the epiphanies I’ve had recently when comparing my job to my life: molly

  • I’ll never get to a destination that’s a surprise while on one of my walks.
  • Every route will lead me back to where I began.
  • While on walks I will only see individuals I’ve seen hundreds of times before.
  • Despite the slight temperature change in Hawaii between Winter and Summer, I’m always hot. So basically my walks are likely always going to be done while boiling to death. If it’s voggy (volcanic fog) then I have the pleasure of being cooked while sniffing toxic rain.
  • Until these dogs start speaking aloud, I will spend most of the day in silence. Actually, let me rephrase that, I spend most days without the dogs responding to me aloud. To that end, they never complain or tell me that I’m having a bad hair day.
  • I’m almost guaranteed to have to pick up a co-walkers turds while on our circular journey.
  • By nature of being a turd, it will:
    •  Stink
    • Contain mucous if the dog is stressed
    • Contain blood if the dog is sick
    • Contain shoelaces if he is a “foreign object” eater.
    • At one point or another I will plunge my thumb directly into the poop. PROFESSIONAL WARNING: the poo bags with handles aren’t good if you own a large dog with a large butt-hole. The handles take away from the surface area, which should be dedicated to the poop itself.

I do for a living what many pet lovers would love to do. I try my best to be gracious that I’m afforded the opportunity that allows me to care for these great creatures. I’ve been doing it for so long that I’m often too tired to do anything else and I’m beyond experiencing caretaker fatigue.

Add to this the guilt that I feel because I’m working with animals that might sense my exhaustion. Additionally, I’m too old to be doing this job. Everyday I get another pain that reminds me I was supposed to marry wealthy to avoid work.

Complaining is encouraged on this site, so feel free to join me and dig in. While you may complain about your crap, just don’t make me pick it up. : )

 

Culture, Love

Is Dating on an Island for the Coconuts?

Despite not having a savage tan or knowing how to swim, I’ve spent my entire life living on two islands. Unfortunately, neither has provided me with the skills necessary to find love. The most profound lesson I learned while living on Long Island, New York is how to speak with in one of the worlds most recognizably annoying accents.

I currently live on Oahu, Hawaii and have learned despite their being many fish in the sea many of them are bycatch. Being constantly surrounded by water not only makes me have to pee constantly, it has led me to wonder if dating in Hawaii is more difficult than on the mainland (continental United States.)

Lanikai Beach, Mokulea Islands Hawaii
KAILUA BEACH OVERLOOKING ‘THE MOKES

In Hawaii I’m exposed to sun almost 365 days a year, which is wonderful, but leads to interesting dating dilemmas. Barring any tropical storms there are only a few weather conditions in Hawaii where residents are advised to stay indoors.

A first date in Hawaii could take place outside, which means I’m only half-dressed. If I were dating on the East Coast there would be several months of the year that I could wear a year a medium-weight sweater, leggings, and knee-high boots. If I felt so inclined I could even wear a hat, scarf, and gloves. Activities for first dates on Oahu might include water sports like paddle boarding to a nearby island or surfing. Setting aside the fact that I don’t participate in any water activity, for me to consider showing that much skin on a first date would be physically and mentally exhausting.

First, I would have to even out my farmers tan because my fleshy upper thighs are Elmer’s glue white. Then because I have dark hair I would have to shave my bikini area, which I would have to start planning yesterday. I would need to fast for two weeks in order to flatten my stomach and if this date occurred whilst I’m on my period it might have to be postponed by nine days in which time I’ll likely lose interest. It stands to reason if I’m half-naked on a date, then my date will also be half naked. This scenario might be perfect for some women, but I prefer to avoid this if possible. It’s kind of similar to my refusal to watch a white man dance. Ideally I would like to put off both activities until I’m already attracted to a man.

targ
TRAFFIC INCREASED SIGNIFICANTLY WHEN TARGET OPENED SEVERAL YEARS AGO

Since I live in such a popular tourist destination there is a chance that even if I see a gentleman who peaks my interest he could be on vacation. While it’s true that for some women there could be no better scenario than a fling whereby one party must board a plane to return home. I don’t want to fall in like with someone only to be told his all-inclusive vacation package ends in two days.

On the positive side since he is not local, I can easily convince him that I know every cool non-touristy thing to do, eat and see, which really couldn’t be further from the truth. More times than not if a tourist asks me where my favorite beach is, I pretend I don’t speak English. People assume if you live in Hawaii you spend a lot of time at the beach. The high cost of living in Hawaii means many residents work several jobs and are just too damn tired to hang-ten.

If sunny days were my only challenge dating on an island that would be fine, but it’s not. Hawaii is composed of many ethnic groups hailing from China, Japan, the Philippines, Polynesia, Europe, and North America. Even though New York is considered a melting pot of cultures, there are many enclaves of New York City that cater to ethnicities. Whereas in Hawaii residents from entirely different cultures function as one community. I’m told I offend residents with my talking out of turn, laughing too loud, and my picky eating. Some of this is because I’m from the East Coast, some of it is unique to me, but all of it offends the many cultures that comprise Hawaii.

musubi
AFTER GAUAM, HAWAII EATS THE MOST SPAM IN THE WORLD. PICTURED IS A SPAM MUSUBI; A WONDERFUL CONCOCTION OF SPAM, RICE AND SEAWEED.

The fact that I don’t like island food might not seem like a consideration to take when dating someone local, but if the relationship progresses it’s sure to become a problem. Not only am I vegetarian, I won’t eat foods of a certain color, texture or shape and prefer not to eat fruits and vegetables. It’s considered extremely rude in Hawaii if you refuse a food that’s offered to you. Clearly, I can’t eat meat, but if I’m offered a salad with Shallot White Wine Vinegar dressing it will assuredly make me gag since I prefer creamy dressings.

Besides my rejecting local faire I do other things that irritate island residents. The town that I live in has been overrun with tourists since President Obama began spending his Christmas holidays here. How does increased traffic play into my notion that dating on an island could be more difficult than elsewhere? Remember this is the state that coined the term “Hang Loose.” Most Hawaii resident’s don’t flip the bird, give obscene hand gestures or honk the horn while in traffic. In fact, honking is almost illegal in Hawaii. A driver may not honk for the purpose of getting the car in front of them to move faster. Only a “toot” is allowed in order to let another driver know to be cautious of possible harm. There’s a huge chance that I wouldn’t be able to hide my road rage while in a car with a potential mate.

Could any other hindrances possibly exist to make island dating challenging for me? Of course!! If I had to guess I would say more men have tattoos on Oahu than on the mainland. Maybe it’s the vegetarian in me, but I don’t like branding of any sort. Many men on Oahu enjoy fishing or golfing as their sport of choice. When it comes to fishing I don’t enjoy watching animals struggle to get their last breath. In terms of golf I don’t have the patience to stand in the hot sun, while people are waiting behind me for their turn.

I’m a strong believer that “where ever you go there you are.” Even though it’s easy for me to see the challenges of dating on a rock located in the Pacific Ocean, I could just as easily find negatives about dating on the mainland. I took both my charming and abrasive personality traits with me to Hawaii and I experience them with people whose personalities would likely be the same regardless of where they live. I actually recall thinking I couldn’t wait until I moved from Long Island so I could meet men who are emotionally available and don’t speak funny. Now I live in Hawaii and the men still speak funny and I realize there aren’t any emotionally available men anywhere. For every man from Long Island who believes it’s acceptable to leave me alone in a dark parking there’s a man in Hawaii who will easily justify not paying for a date that he arranged. The bad news is men act the same regardless of their geography and the good news is there is life on Mars!

Love

Should I Become a Farm Gal?

farmI’ve keep seeing this commercial for farmersonly.com, which suggests to men that they “don’t have to be lonely with farmersonly.com.” Since I’m a card-carrying member of Match.com, OKCupid, eharmony and seriously considering BlackPeopleMeet.com, I’ve been giving some thought to converting to a farm girl. Below is my pro/con list:

Con’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. I DON’T EAT MEAT. This would mean my farmer would have to grow vegetables.
  2. I can’t wear plaid.
  3. Despite picking up dog poo for most of my life, certain smells cause me to dry heave for hours at a time. This could be considered rude or psychotic.
  4. At least in movies farmers look like they are very close to their families. Conversely, I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean many miles from my family and have one sibling I don’t talk to.
  5. I have a strict policy of not waking up before the sun does.
  6. I can bet my life that my liberal views on politics would make my farmer want to put me out to pasture.
  7. I often get physically injured when faced with fencing and materials that need to be hammered or sanded down.
  8. The couple above isn’t wearing any shoes. Despite living in a state where the most common shoe is a flip-flop, I don’t like to walk on grassy areas without shoes and socks. Maybe its an occupational hazard that comes from being a pet sitter. I just know too much to walk on grass barefoot anymore. Friends don’t let friends get Leptospirosis.
  9. Can’t help but notice the yellow labrador pictured above is clearly disinterested in this couple. If two models dressed like farmers can’t get one of the worlds most friendliest creatures to even feign a smile, than I certainly wouldn’t get along with them.
  10. The gentleman pictured, while clearly good looking, appears slightly metro-sexual. I would be quite surprised if he even knew how to turn on a blender let alone large farm equipment.

Pro’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. Farm men probably have nice arms.
  2. I’m a fan of men in Levi’s.
  3. I watched a show last year, which reenacts amazing rescues. There was a gentleman who fell into a silo filled with corn and he sunk like a stone. Apparently vegetables can kill.

Well…there we have it. As desperate as I am to find my spoon, I think I can find a Levi-wearing, good-armed vegetarian who doesn’t live on a farm…I hope.