Love

Converting to a Farm-Gal

farmSORRY FOR REPOST; LONG DAY

I’ve been seeing this commercial for farmersonly.com, which suggests to men that they “don’t have to be lonely with farmersonly.com.” Since I’m a card-carrying member of Match.com, OKCupid, eharmony and seriously considering BlackPeopleMeet.com, I’ve been giving some thought to converting to a farm girl. Below is my pro/con list:

Con’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. I DON’T EAT MEAT. This would mean my farmer would have to grow vegetables.
  2. I can’t wear plaid.
  3. Despite picking up dog poo for most of my life, certain smells cause me to dry heave for hours at a time. This could be considered rude or psychotic.
  4. At least in movies farmers look like they are very close to their families. Conversely, I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean many miles from my family and have one sibling I don’t talk to.
  5. I have a strict policy of not waking up before the sun does.
  6. I can bet my life that my liberal views on politics would make my farmer want to put me out to pasture.
  7. I often get physically injured when faced with fencing and materials that need to be hammered or sanded down.
  8. The couple above isn’t wearing any shoes. Despite living in a state where the most common shoe is a flip-flop, I don’t like to walk on grassy areas without shoes and socks. Maybe its an occupational hazard that comes from being a pet sitter. I just know too much to walk on grass barefoot anymore. Friends don’t let friends get Leptospirosis.
  9. Can’t help but notice the yellow labrador pictured above is clearly disinterested in this couple. If two models dressed like farmers can’t get one of the worlds most friendliest creatures to even feign a smile, than I certainly wouldn’t get along with real thing.
  10. The gentleman pictured, while clearly good looking, appears slightly metro-sexual. I would be quite surprised if he even knew how to turn on a blender let alone large farm equipment.
  11. I watched a show last year, which reenacts amazing rescues. There was a gentleman who fell into a silo filled with corn and he sunk like a stone. Apparently vegetables can kill.

Pro’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. Farm men probably have nice arms.
  2. I’m a fan of men in Levi’s.

Well…there we have it. As desperate as I am to find my spoon, I think I can find a Levi-wearing, good-armed vegetarian who doesn’t live on a farm…I hope.

comedy, Culture, Love

Dating a Centaur

centI believe my working with dogs has set the bar higher for me in terms of what I want in a man. I’m looking for a guy who shares the most favorable traits of a dog. Notice I said favorable, this is to rule out licking of the genitals, and rolling or eating of poop.

Perhaps what I need is a Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. There are many positives that can be gained from a relationship forged with a Centaur.

I would be able to converse with my Centaur because he’s half-man on top. He could also stay up on current events, which we could then discuss afterward. If he’s a Trump supporter, he will be shown where the barn door is.

I’m not exactly sure what’s safest for my Centaur’s tummy, but I know that I’m sure as hell not eating hay, even laced with chocolate. Going out to eat might cause a challenge because his horse ass wouldn’t fit in a chair. However, my human ass is headed in that same direction so we could commiserate.cent1

Because he would have horse feet, I would have to learn to be a farrier. While he wouldn’t be able to farry (?) his own feet, he could still massage mine. I’m also assuming his feet wouldn’t smell, because his feet are really more cuticle than flesh.

I guess we would have to be careful not to exercise too close to eating because of the possibility of his getting bloat. This really wouldn’t present a problem for me as my horse ass doesn’t like exercise.

I can’t get away without mentioning the possible size of his bowel movements. I know what you were thinking, but wait for it. I’m 47 and can’t even admit to p**ping so thinking of the ramifications involved with my beloveds crap is terrifying. The cool thing here is that because he has arms he could let himself out and even pick up his poo. This works out well, because I have shame issues and don’t look forward to sharing a bathroom. Pretty funny to think about my shame compared to an animals whose poop could be the size of a small child.

Certainly if I can’t talk about human bodily functions, sex is off the table, but how can one not address that I could have a husband who isn’t hung like a horse, he’s a hung horse. My body can hardly accommodate the smallest speculum at my gynecologist office or a tampon slimmer than my pinky. I experience zero relief when I remember that an infant comes out of there since an infant has never come out of mine.

While I don’t anticipate meeting a Centaur on Oahu because we have limited parking, please let me know if you could think of any additional pro’s or con’s for this particular type of dating.

Naaayyyyy!!

Uncategorized

I Don’t Want a Clue

CLUE.jpgI’m in a relationship with an individual who believes it’s fun to play a game of twenty questions when I attempt to understand him.

I’ve spent way too long in therapy to make someone guess as to what I need. In fact, I’m the exact opposite in that I can be accused of giving people too much information. When the bank teller asks if I need an envelope for my  dead president’s she doesn’t need to know that I’m paying a bill across the street so therefore I can do without the aide of an envelope.

I spend all day with dogs and I can tell what they need by just looking at their eyes, their tail, and their poop. Why is it so damn hard to get a man to just say what he wants? Should I offer him a cookie or bribe him with “walkies?”

The game Clue has little interest for me. I don’t care who killed who and if they did it with a candlestick or a staple gun. What I might want to know is why someone got killed. I would like some “why’s” answered in my relationship. Otherwise I might be forced to get a bat from the Lanai to bash his face in because I’m angry at his lack of communication skills.

*If your a dog person feel free to check out my Instagram account. Hit widgets on upper right of screen…I think. I finally downloaded an app to film the dogs in slo-mo. This means…slo-mo peanut butter eating…slo-mo head shaking..slo-mo sneezing…

Love

Should I Become a Farm Gal?

farmI’ve keep seeing this commercial for farmersonly.com, which suggests to men that they “don’t have to be lonely with farmersonly.com.” Since I’m a card-carrying member of Match.com, OKCupid, eharmony and seriously considering BlackPeopleMeet.com, I’ve been giving some thought to converting to a farm girl. Below is my pro/con list:

Con’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. I DON’T EAT MEAT. This would mean my farmer would have to grow vegetables.
  2. I can’t wear plaid.
  3. Despite picking up dog poo for most of my life, certain smells cause me to dry heave for hours at a time. This could be considered rude or psychotic.
  4. At least in movies farmers look like they are very close to their families. Conversely, I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean many miles from my family and have one sibling I don’t talk to.
  5. I have a strict policy of not waking up before the sun does.
  6. I can bet my life that my liberal views on politics would make my farmer want to put me out to pasture.
  7. I often get physically injured when faced with fencing and materials that need to be hammered or sanded down.
  8. The couple above isn’t wearing any shoes. Despite living in a state where the most common shoe is a flip-flop, I don’t like to walk on grassy areas without shoes and socks. Maybe its an occupational hazard that comes from being a pet sitter. I just know too much to walk on grass barefoot anymore. Friends don’t let friends get Leptospirosis.
  9. Can’t help but notice the yellow labrador pictured above is clearly disinterested in this couple. If two models dressed like farmers can’t get one of the worlds most friendliest creatures to even feign a smile, than I certainly wouldn’t get along with them.
  10. The gentleman pictured, while clearly good looking, appears slightly metro-sexual. I would be quite surprised if he even knew how to turn on a blender let alone large farm equipment.

Pro’s to farm life and a farm man:

  1. Farm men probably have nice arms.
  2. I’m a fan of men in Levi’s.
  3. I watched a show last year, which reenacts amazing rescues. There was a gentleman who fell into a silo filled with corn and he sunk like a stone. Apparently vegetables can kill.

Well…there we have it. As desperate as I am to find my spoon, I think I can find a Levi-wearing, good-armed vegetarian who doesn’t live on a farm…I hope.