Anxiety, Depression

Fashion While in Eternity

hell2I would like to say that I’m a very spiritual person, but I’m not. Neither am I someone who needs empirical proof that things exist beyond my ability to see them. I’m just of the belief that I don’t have the time or desire to wonder where my soul will go after death because my current body and mind have so their own issues to deal with.

Likewise, I don’t have the inclination to speculate whether a loaf of bread falling off the shelf means one of my dogs is trying to contact me from the rainbow bridge. Life after death was a common theme in the 1980’s on Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, and Montel Williams. Stories of individuals traveling towards a bright light and then seeing themselves from above became commonplace. Those who have died often say they are free from the physical illnesses they were plagued with here on earth. However, there is one aspect of the hereafter that I do think about and not shockingly, it’s really stupid.

hell4How come no one ever mentions what age they are restored to during this excursion to the bright light? More importantly what are the deceased wearing upon their arrival? Not to look a gift- God in the mouth, but depending on how I looked at the age that I’m restored to, it might not be that much fun. Think of all the awkward stages we have in a lifetime. For me there was the flat chested, gap tooth era, and the uni-brow, mosquito bite boobs era.

These are just descriptions of what I physically looked like, but how I dressed was even more offensive. What if I’m restored to 80’s gear with neon leg warmers and lingerie worn as outerwear? What if I’m restored to the grunge period with a flannel plaid shirt tied around my waist? I could definitely get stressed with the thought that my outfit could be seasonal. In other words if I was restored to a Halloween I could be dressed as a slutty schoolgirl and have to spend eternity wearing a garter belt under a short tartan skirt. If its Christmas time I could get stuck in an ugly sweater.

We can all assume that the temperature of hell is on the hot side, but what about heaven? Whats the deal there? I get light-headed if it’s too hot and I’ve been known to shake uncontrollably if it’s too cold. Will there be stores up or down there if I need a a bathing suit or a sweater? What if people pass away while in the hospital would this mean that heaven is filled with hundreds of thousands of people wearing blue gowns with their asses hanging out? What happens if your lucky enough to find two great loves of your life? Where is ones loyalty supposed to be?

Is it wrong to want to know how to best prepare myself for after life? I will spend more time there than I will anywhere else and just maybe this time around I would like to fit in.

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Culture

Boys Keep it in your Pants!

PEEWhile at the supermarket today, grabbing my lunch that consisted of a Peach Snapple Iced Tea and a Snickers bar, I noticed a young boy playing hide and seek with his mom. The parking lot of Safeway doesn’t seem like the ideal playground, you know with the cars driving about, but I don’t have kids so what do I know?

A closer evaluation revealed the boy was peeing behind a tree with his mom looking on. I come from a city of 8 million people and unless your homeless you don’t pee wherever you want. Since living in Hawaii I’ve seen this dozens of times. I’ve even seen boys pee on their own front lawn. I mean if your not going to use your home toilet maybe you could at least piss in the backyard.

Am I wrong that unless there is a medical emergency a parent should either take their kid to a public restroom or the kid should freaking hold it? Could this be a cultural thing? To be clear, I’m not one of these women who believe nursing mothers shouldn’t be allowed to breast feed in public. The difference between a mother providing sustenance to her child and a child pissing in public is that…well the kids pissing in public. I would sooner drive to the police or fire department and ask if I could use their restroom than let me kid publicly pee. Maybe if I had a baby brother or a neighbor who had a young boy, I would feel differently. However, just because a guys anatomy allows for easy access shouldn’t mean he can pee wherever he sees fit.

Is this allowed because all parents think that everything their child does is cute? I’m always amazed while watching television the amount of commercials for baby products where the advertiser shows baby butts, and crotches. I get it, but can everyone stop shoving their kids nether regions in my face?

So am I prude? Feel free to tell me so!! People have said worse ; )

 

Culture, Love

Dating a Centaur?

I’m sorry, but if I’m considering a relationship with a horse, then more people need to read about it, hence the repost!

centI believe my working with dogs has set the bar higher for me in terms of what I want in a man. I’m looking for a guy who shares the most favorable traits of a dog. Notice I said favorable, this is to rule out licking of the genitals, and rolling or eating of poop.

Perhaps what I need is a Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. There are many positives that can be gained from a relationship forged with a Centaur.

I would be able to converse with my Centaur because he’s half-man on top. He could also stay up on current events, which we could then discuss afterward. If he’s a Trump supporter, he will be shown where the barn door is.

I’m not exactly sure what’s safest for my Centaur’s tummy, but I know that I’m sure as hell not eating hay, even laced with chocolate. Going out to eat might cause a challenge because his horse ass wouldn’t fit in a chair. However, my human ass is headed in that same direction so we could commiserate.cent1

Because he would have horse feet, I would have to learn to be a farrier. While he wouldn’t be able to farry (?) his own feet, he could still massage mine. I’m also assuming his feet wouldn’t smell, because his feet are really more cuticle than flesh.

I guess we would have to be careful not to exercise too close to eating because of the possibility of his getting bloat. This really wouldn’t present a problem for me as my horse ass doesn’t like exercise.

I can’t get away without mentioning the possible size of his bowel movements. I know what you were thinking, but wait for it. I’m 47 and can’t even admit to p**ping so thinking of the ramifications involved with my beloveds crap is terrifying. The cool thing here is that because he has arms he could let himself out and even pick up his poo. This works out well, because I have shame issues and don’t look forward to sharing a bathroom. Pretty funny to think about my shame compared to an animals whose poop could be the size of a small child.

Certainly if I can’t talk about human bodily functions, sex is off the table, but how can one not address that I could have a husband who isn’t hung like a horse, he’s a hung horse. My body can hardly accommodate the smallest speculum at my gynecologist office or a tampon slimmer than my pinky. I experience zero relief when I remember that an infant comes out of there since an infant has never come out of mine.

While I don’t anticipate meeting a Centaur on Oahu because we have limited parking, please let me know if you could think of any additional pro’s or con’s for this particular type of dating.

Naaayyyyy!!

comedy, Culture, Love

Dating a Centaur

centI believe my working with dogs has set the bar higher for me in terms of what I want in a man. I’m looking for a guy who shares the most favorable traits of a dog. Notice I said favorable, this is to rule out licking of the genitals, and rolling or eating of poop.

Perhaps what I need is a Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. There are many positives that can be gained from a relationship forged with a Centaur.

I would be able to converse with my Centaur because he’s half-man on top. He could also stay up on current events, which we could then discuss afterward. If he’s a Trump supporter, he will be shown where the barn door is.

I’m not exactly sure what’s safest for my Centaur’s tummy, but I know that I’m sure as hell not eating hay, even laced with chocolate. Going out to eat might cause a challenge because his horse ass wouldn’t fit in a chair. However, my human ass is headed in that same direction so we could commiserate.cent1

Because he would have horse feet, I would have to learn to be a farrier. While he wouldn’t be able to farry (?) his own feet, he could still massage mine. I’m also assuming his feet wouldn’t smell, because his feet are really more cuticle than flesh.

I guess we would have to be careful not to exercise too close to eating because of the possibility of his getting bloat. This really wouldn’t present a problem for me as my horse ass doesn’t like exercise.

I can’t get away without mentioning the possible size of his bowel movements. I know what you were thinking, but wait for it. I’m 47 and can’t even admit to p**ping so thinking of the ramifications involved with my beloveds crap is terrifying. The cool thing here is that because he has arms he could let himself out and even pick up his poo. This works out well, because I have shame issues and don’t look forward to sharing a bathroom. Pretty funny to think about my shame compared to an animals whose poop could be the size of a small child.

Certainly if I can’t talk about human bodily functions, sex is off the table, but how can one not address that I could have a husband who isn’t hung like a horse, he’s a hung horse. My body can hardly accommodate the smallest speculum at my gynecologist office or a tampon slimmer than my pinky. I experience zero relief when I remember that an infant comes out of there since an infant has never come out of mine.

While I don’t anticipate meeting a Centaur on Oahu because we have limited parking, please let me know if you could think of any additional pro’s or con’s for this particular type of dating.

Naaayyyyy!!

comedy, Culture, Depression

TMI King Tut

kingtutThe Grand Egyptian Museum will be displaying never before seen artifacts of  King Tutankhamun in its partial opening in 2018. While King Tut’s artifacts have toured the world since the tomb was discovered, their permanent home has been the Egyptian Museum.

Among the thousands of items that will be on display include the king’s undergarments, which are referred to as loin cloths. Many of the details surrounding King Tut are fascinating. However, I’m not sure that his drawers are an item I would be clamoring to see. In fact I don’t want to see his underwear, jock straps or gym socks. I just have way too many shame issues to process this opportunity.

I do give the museum credit for having the idea to sell replicas of his undies at the museum’s gift shop. Genius!

Culture, Depression

My Own Jubilee of Mercy

popeHeard on NPR today that the pope will forgive women who’ve had abortions. I understand this is a major event considering that murderers have been forgiven with less than a blink of an eye.

I was wondering if I could give myself a Jubilee of Mercy what would I ask to be forgiven about? Keeping in mind that I’m a 47-year-old, opinionated individual the list is long, but I took a stab at it below:

  1. I would like to be pardoned for every time I judged someone harshly if indeed they turned out to be nice. If they weren’t nice, than no worries my judgement can stand.
  2. A pardon might be welcome for each time I put someone else’s life at risk because I was in a rush while in traffic. To clarify, if a person exists who did something stupid which caused me to be late, than that person should be punished.
  3. Maybe a little pardon for those who I give the occasional stink-eye to. This is unless of course, they gave me stink-eye first.
  4. The biggest pardon I would give would be to the part of my personality who judges me more critically than anyone else. Like many of us who suffer from depression, there exists no one else on earth who can be as cruel to us as us. Starving myself when I’m really hungry, eating too much when I’m already satiated, reaching out to someone I know will hurt my feelings and denying myself simple pleasures. Yep…I’m sorry me, maybe if we get reincarnated, you will get a better you. Hopefully someone with bigger tits.