Anxiety, Depression

Fashion While in Eternity

hell2I would like to say that I’m a very spiritual person, but I’m not. Neither am I someone who needs empirical proof that things exist beyond my ability to see them. I’m just of the belief that I don’t have the time or desire to wonder where my soul will go after death because my current body and mind have so their own issues to deal with.

Likewise, I don’t have the inclination to speculate whether a loaf of bread falling off the shelf means one of my dogs is trying to contact me from the rainbow bridge. Life after death was a common theme in the 1980’s on Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, and Montel Williams. Stories of individuals traveling towards a bright light and then seeing themselves from above became commonplace. Those who have died often say they are free from the physical illnesses they were plagued with here on earth. However, there is one aspect of the hereafter that I do think about and not shockingly, it’s really stupid.

hell4How come no one ever mentions what age they are restored to during this excursion to the bright light? More importantly what are the deceased wearing upon their arrival? Not to look a gift- God in the mouth, but depending on how I looked at the age that I’m restored to, it might not be that much fun. Think of all the awkward stages we have in a lifetime. For me there was the flat chested, gap tooth era, and the uni-brow, mosquito bite boobs era.

These are just descriptions of what I physically looked like, but how I dressed was even more offensive. What if I’m restored to 80’s gear with neon leg warmers and lingerie worn as outerwear? What if I’m restored to the grunge period with a flannel plaid shirt tied around my waist? I could definitely get stressed with the thought that my outfit could be seasonal. In other words if I was restored to a Halloween I could be dressed as a slutty schoolgirl and have to spend eternity wearing a garter belt under a short tartan skirt. If its Christmas time I could get stuck in an ugly sweater.

We can all assume that the temperature of hell is on the hot side, but what about heaven? Whats the deal there? I get light-headed if it’s too hot and I’ve been known to shake uncontrollably if it’s too cold. Will there be stores up or down there if I need a a bathing suit or a sweater? What if people pass away while in the hospital would this mean that heaven is filled with hundreds of thousands of people wearing blue gowns with their asses hanging out? What happens if your lucky enough to find two great loves of your life? Where is ones loyalty supposed to be?

Is it wrong to want to know how to best prepare myself for after life? I will spend more time there than I will anywhere else and just maybe this time around I would like to fit in.