Anxiety, Depression

Fashion While in Eternity

hell2I would like to say that I’m a very spiritual person, but I’m not. Neither am I someone who needs empirical proof that things exist beyond my ability to see them. I’m just of the belief that I don’t have the time or desire to wonder where my soul will go after death because my current body and mind have so their own issues to deal with.

Likewise, I don’t have the inclination to speculate whether a loaf of bread falling off the shelf means one of my dogs is trying to contact me from the rainbow bridge. Life after death was a common theme in the 1980’s on Oprah Winfrey, Phil Donahue, and Montel Williams. Stories of individuals traveling towards a bright light and then seeing themselves from above became commonplace. Those who have died often say they are free from the physical illnesses they were plagued with here on earth. However, there is one aspect of the hereafter that I do think about and not shockingly, it’s really stupid.

hell4How come no one ever mentions what age they are restored to during this excursion to the bright light? More importantly what are the deceased wearing upon their arrival? Not to look a gift- God in the mouth, but depending on how I looked at the age that I’m restored to, it might not be that much fun. Think of all the awkward stages we have in a lifetime. For me there was the flat chested, gap tooth era, and the uni-brow, mosquito bite boobs era.

These are just descriptions of what I physically looked like, but how I dressed was even more offensive. What if I’m restored to 80’s gear with neon leg warmers and lingerie worn as outerwear? What if I’m restored to the grunge period with a flannel plaid shirt tied around my waist? I could definitely get stressed with the thought that my outfit could be seasonal. In other words if I was restored to a Halloween I could be dressed as a slutty schoolgirl and have to spend eternity wearing a garter belt under a short tartan skirt. If its Christmas time I could get stuck in an ugly sweater.

We can all assume that the temperature of hell is on the hot side, but what about heaven? Whats the deal there? I get light-headed if it’s too hot and I’ve been known to shake uncontrollably if it’s too cold. Will there be stores up or down there if I need a a bathing suit or a sweater? What if people pass away while in the hospital would this mean that heaven is filled with hundreds of thousands of people wearing blue gowns with their asses hanging out? What happens if your lucky enough to find two great loves of your life? Where is ones loyalty supposed to be?

Is it wrong to want to know how to best prepare myself for after life? I will spend more time there than I will anywhere else and just maybe this time around I would like to fit in.

Love

Is it Really Better to have Loved & Lost?

While dealing with a bit of heartache, I was thinking of the quote “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
LORDAlfred Lord Tennyson authored this little nugget and contrary to popular belief it was never meant to refer to romance. It was the result of his best friend and classmate passing away at age 22.

Many people make the mistake of attributing this quote to Shakespeare. I can only assume the possibility exists that many broken-hearted people are walking around quoting the Lord to make themselves feel better. However, the reality is their soul is crushed and the only reason they are not taking a golf club to their significant others head is because of this misunderstood piece of wisdom.

Regardless of why Tennyson penned this quote, I actually beg to differ. I don’t believe that tis better to have loved and lost. I would consider it a treat if a man could just once leave me exactly the same way as he found me. No better, and no worse for the wear. I’m sure Tennyson would be in disbelief to learn that when a couple dissolves in this century they can each stalk each other as much as they wish, which leads to one party feeling like they have an active relationship with the other.

If I could forget that I recently had a great time, maybe the following would not occur:

  • Sudden bursts of diarrhea
  • Crushed self-esteem
  • Intense feelings of rage towards men
  • Additional grey hair
  • Binge eating which ties into the diarrhea…sorry : )
  • Frequent trips to the car wash where I can primal scream
  • Rage-full texts and e-mails sent from yours truly, which will now live in cyberspace longer than I will exist on this earth

With that said if you are male and should see me on the island of Oahu, unless you are the most emotionally available person you know, please refrain from approaching me. May God be with you if your male, a jerk and you approach me during a certain five days of the month.

 

comedy, Culture, Love

Dating a Centaur

centI believe my working with dogs has set the bar higher for me in terms of what I want in a man. I’m looking for a guy who shares the most favorable traits of a dog. Notice I said favorable, this is to rule out licking of the genitals, and rolling or eating of poop.

Perhaps what I need is a Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. There are many positives that can be gained from a relationship forged with a Centaur.

I would be able to converse with my Centaur because he’s half-man on top. He could also stay up on current events, which we could then discuss afterward. If he’s a Trump supporter, he will be shown where the barn door is.

I’m not exactly sure what’s safest for my Centaur’s tummy, but I know that I’m sure as hell not eating hay, even laced with chocolate. Going out to eat might cause a challenge because his horse ass wouldn’t fit in a chair. However, my human ass is headed in that same direction so we could commiserate.cent1

Because he would have horse feet, I would have to learn to be a farrier. While he wouldn’t be able to farry (?) his own feet, he could still massage mine. I’m also assuming his feet wouldn’t smell, because his feet are really more cuticle than flesh.

I guess we would have to be careful not to exercise too close to eating because of the possibility of his getting bloat. This really wouldn’t present a problem for me as my horse ass doesn’t like exercise.

I can’t get away without mentioning the possible size of his bowel movements. I know what you were thinking, but wait for it. I’m 47 and can’t even admit to p**ping so thinking of the ramifications involved with my beloveds crap is terrifying. The cool thing here is that because he has arms he could let himself out and even pick up his poo. This works out well, because I have shame issues and don’t look forward to sharing a bathroom. Pretty funny to think about my shame compared to an animals whose poop could be the size of a small child.

Certainly if I can’t talk about human bodily functions, sex is off the table, but how can one not address that I could have a husband who isn’t hung like a horse, he’s a hung horse. My body can hardly accommodate the smallest speculum at my gynecologist office or a tampon slimmer than my pinky. I experience zero relief when I remember that an infant comes out of there since an infant has never come out of mine.

While I don’t anticipate meeting a Centaur on Oahu because we have limited parking, please let me know if you could think of any additional pro’s or con’s for this particular type of dating.

Naaayyyyy!!

Culture, Women

Help a Dane!

flagjpgHeard a report on NPR today that I thought was both cute and stupid. Apparently the rate of skin cancer among Danes (those hailing from Denmark and yes I had to look up) is quite high. A public service announcement (psa) has been created in an effort to decrease the risks of cancer for the Danes and will air in sunny vacation destinations such as Greece, Italy and France.

The announcement pleads with residents of the above countries to be especially nice to Danes that don’t appear to know about the damaging rays of the sun. It suggests that residents give the Dane in question some water and maybe get him or her to a shaded location. I have zero doubt that if I was a resident of Greece, Italy or France, and I tried to a help a Dane, he would think I’m trying to mug him as I shuffle off into the darkness with him.

I have always believed in being nice to strangers and of course animals in need. I don’t have a problem with offering a Dane some assistance. However, I walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and now the Danish government wants me to care for their vacationers? Seriously? Do they really not know that their pasty white skin will fry in the sun?

How the hell would I identify a Dane, I didn’t even know what country these guys reside in. Why would anyone listen to me? With over twenty years of experience working with dogs, I can’t even get my clients to listen to me let alone a Dane. I spent a week in Florida during my spring break from college and was advised by a resident that I was roasting. Instead of thanking them, I said “Great, I’m hoping to get a tan.”

GAME CHANGER: I watched the psa below and it’s hysterical. I just assumed it would be a cold delivery. I guess this is why I’m not a reporter. I’m a horrible person. I lost the version with the exact translation. The below description isn’t funny at all. However, watch the commercial, you will at least smirk.

 

Help a Dane

Every year, thousands of Danes travel to sunny destinations on holiday. Unfortunately, many of them return home with a sunburn. Sunburns are painful in the short run and they increase the risk of skin cancer in the long run.

This is an appeal for help.

You can help The Danish Sun Safety Campaign prevent sunburns and deadly skin cancer by reminding the Danes to remember shade, sun hat and sunscreen.

Sign up now to Help a Dane at
helpadane.com

 

comedy, Culture, Love

Death, Taxes & Dating

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It’s been said that the only two things in which we can depend upon in life are death and taxes. The two things in which I can depend on are death, taxes, and dating. At this point they each remind me of the other.

Death

  • There is no coming back from this one save for reincarnation.
  • Some individuals find it impossible to face their own mortality.
  • Every year I say I’m going to sign a health directive and never do. I actually don’t think this is because I can’t face my mortality. I think it’s just because I’m lazy. Who knows though?
  • None of us can guarantee the way in which we die and if our final requests will be honored. AREN’T YOU HAPPY YOU DECIDED TO READ THIS?????????

Taxes

  • At one point or another most of us will have to deal with taxes. This thought usually makes me physically ill.
  • Last year it took me 22 minutes to get up the nerve to leave my car in order to enter my accountants office.
  • Finding the several thousand dollars needed to pay my taxes often resembles pulling a rabbit out of my ass.
  • At the end of every tax season I swear to myself that I will do better next year, by putting away the 4.712% money that I’m supposed to as well as mailing my GE Tax, Estimated Tax and whatever else every quarter.

Dating

  • The mere thought of going on anymore dates in this lifetime makes me physically ill.
  • My last date never even left his car to greet me. It was basically like hailing a cab.
  • While on a date, which is going poorly, which is all of them, it feels as if the evening will never end. I’ll be stuck in suspended animation with a guy picking his nose and yes this happened and yes it was the guy who didn’t get out of his car. Did I mention that his car was covered with bird-doo on the passenger side?
  • When the date is over I recall the Jim Carey movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and agree that a machine whose purpose is to remove any memory that you want is a great idea. Because I have food issues, I might choose to forget how good chocolate is.

Feel free to share any perfect storm of events that makes you want to live in a plastic bubble.

 

comedy, Culture, Love

Follow Me, Like Me, Twat Me, then Kill Me Please

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Someone kill me. Seriously…peck me to death with the Twitter icon’s beak, plus me to oblivion with Google Plus’s plus sign that I can’t find anywhere on my keyboard.

Was there a reason why I spent years in therapy learning how to deal with my problems face to face if I was only going to spend my senior-hood dealing with individuals digitally? I could have saved thousands of dollars had I been able to see into the future.

Not only am I tired of e-mailing individuals as opposed to talking to them, I’m miffed that to be successful in almost any field these days means I must have a social network. If I was a cook, the taste of my food wouldn’t matter, but how many people like the pics of my food? If I were a sculptor, the lines I create wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t have strangers oohing and aahing over a piece of artwork that was meant to be viewed in person?

I’m in complete agreement with all you under thirty-year-olds in that I should get over myself and do what needs to be done in order to strive. However, I’m in my forties and don’t want to lose sleep over any subject matter that is not life threatening, such as gaining likes.

Lest we forget that I’ve spent the entirety of my life trying to unlearn what my parents have taught me. Specifically, that every strangers opinion of me is gospel. Now I’m being told that I have to do the following:

  • Get strangers to like me
  • Get strangers to engage with me
  • Get strangers so enthralled with what I have to say that they then share with others what I have to say?

Most of the times I don’t even like me and the only reason I’m following me is because I don’t have a choice in the matter.

Please don’t let this rant convince you not to like me, love me, want my first-born ( I’m 47…that is likely not humanly possible) or want to make a Jello-mold that resembles my face. Its only been about eight years since social networking has been important. Just give me a bit more time to let it sink in and for the love of God…LIKE ME!

 

Culture, Depression

Deja Poo

pugHad a terrifying thought the other day while performing my duties as a dog walker. With the exception of the times when I’ve saved my clients pets or home from danger, the majority of my time is spent with one or two dogs in tow.

I LOVE these dogs otherwise they wouldn’t be clients. Of course they all crap on our walks, some even do it more than once. There are even those who have 24-hour access to outside, but prefer to crap in my presence.

My realization was that my job has become symbolic of my life. Considering I live on a rock surrounded by water, my walks are basically in a circle. My life has also become a never-ending treasure trove of shit. Crap I  have to deal with alone, crap I don’t know how to deal with and don’t have anyone to ask, crap I have no control of and then the daily crap, which consists of money problems, cash flow issues and being broke.

So basically, my job and my life is about walking around in circles picking up crap. Yes, everyone has crap to deal with, but it seems slightly overwhelming to be both dealing with it figuratively and literally. Below are some of the epiphanies I’ve had recently when comparing my job to my life: molly

  • I’ll never get to a destination that’s a surprise while on one of my walks.
  • Every route will lead me back to where I began.
  • While on walks I will only see individuals I’ve seen hundreds of times before.
  • Despite the slight temperature change in Hawaii between Winter and Summer, I’m always hot. So basically my walks are likely always going to be done while boiling to death. If it’s voggy (volcanic fog) then I have the pleasure of being cooked while sniffing toxic rain.
  • Until these dogs start speaking aloud, I will spend most of the day in silence. Actually, let me rephrase that, I spend most days without the dogs responding to me aloud. To that end, they never complain or tell me that I’m having a bad hair day.
  • I’m almost guaranteed to have to pick up a co-walkers turds while on our circular journey.
  • By nature of being a turd, it will:
    •  Stink
    • Contain mucous if the dog is stressed
    • Contain blood if the dog is sick
    • Contain shoelaces if he is a “foreign object” eater.
    • At one point or another I will plunge my thumb directly into the poop. PROFESSIONAL WARNING: the poo bags with handles aren’t good if you own a large dog with a large butt-hole. The handles take away from the surface area, which should be dedicated to the poop itself.

I do for a living what many pet lovers would love to do. I try my best to be gracious that I’m afforded the opportunity that allows me to care for these great creatures. I’ve been doing it for so long that I’m often too tired to do anything else and I’m beyond experiencing caretaker fatigue.

Add to this the guilt that I feel because I’m working with animals that might sense my exhaustion. Additionally, I’m too old to be doing this job. Everyday I get another pain that reminds me I was supposed to marry wealthy to avoid work.

Complaining is encouraged on this site, so feel free to join me and dig in. While you may complain about your crap, just don’t make me pick it up. : )